Things that are pissing me off part 842

Ok, http://www.youknowithappensatyourhousetoo.com/ has a Things who piss her off blog now and again. Well, honestly I am not one prone to being pissed off, but tonight I am. 


And y'all better listen up.


I have to get this shit OFF my chest.


I play Mrs. Nice Guy, all the time. Yes, I am a Christian. Yes, I am a GOOD PERSON. But I am not a F#$%^&*ing door mat...got it?????


Just because YOU weren't man enough to DEAL with your anger issues and accept responsibility for YOUR actions doesn't mean that my kids and I should have to pick up the pieces of the mess you made.


YOU deserted us. You hear? Abandoned. Walked out and left with nothing. My kids that you supposedly loved...you left with NOTHING. We were 1 step from destitute. ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SELFISH OBNOXIOUS PRAT!


The security deposit on OUR effing house you somehow never had the money for....BUT I AM STILL FINDING FISHING T SHIRTS WITH GODFORSAKEN tags on them in the room. Did it EVER occur to you when we were together that BILLS come before buying useless shit especially since you own 60 t-shirts?????


Or that going to gun shows wasn't as important as being with your family????


I can't for the life of me figure out how our bills weren't paid. I can't. 


Oh and let's not forget the mess you left.


I would show you guys my basement but you would all unlike me.


There was a flood less than 2 weeks after we moved into this house. Lots of things were ruined. 8 mattresses or so. Tons of books and clothes. It was all LEFT down there this whole time. We moved in Feb people. He knew people with trucks who could have loaded it up and taken it out. Its still here and I am left trying to figure out what the hell to do with it. Guess what...over half of it is HIS crap too.


Oh and every time we had a decent amount of money HE went crazy shopping. Not paying bills like I said. I WOULDN'T BE IN THIS EFFING MESS IF HE LISTENED TO Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!


Since this is MY blog and I can go off on a tangent if I want, I am going to tell you a not so nice story about a night Mr. Used to Be Brady Pissed Me the eff Off...


Ok so I preface this with don't judge. PLEASE.


We had issues...clearly. For a while. He had anger issues. We tried to talk them out. One thing I did wrong was tell him I was done when we fought because over the years of abusive relationships I learned to fight with words as best I could and I hit LOW and fought dirty. When I get angry, I want to be left alone and he never understood that, ever.  If I he was being defensive and cranky my reaction was to push him away verbally. Just to get him to leave me alone, at any cost because he never respected my request to let me alone.


That being said. I got better over time and stopped. 


Seems as though I was keeping him in line...because he got progressively more mean as I got more laid back and respectful.


So, let's see...as relationships go, I am not exactly sure where it fell apart. I can't pinpoint something specific that caused it. 


Stress, 8 kids. We had issues. No doubt. His ex was a constant source of problem. Between the fact that she showed up whenever she felt like it, which was almost never...she spent 3 years trying to get in his pants or convince me she was in them. Now, really...I am not that hot...But good lord...he was a lot of things but he didn't want her. I knew that. 


Well, back in say March or so...things weren't good. We weren't talking. He was always mean. Always just here. Not interacting. 


One day, his phone rang...I grabbed it innocently and it was from the mother from hell. When I clicked the back button I saw the messages page and there right before my eyes were tons of texts from his high school sweetheart.


Now-truth be told, I am not the jealous type at all. Be honest with me and I don't care about that stuff. If you have nothing to hide, you will tell me and it will be no big deal. Really, I just don't do it.


Well, he had been texting her a lot. I read them. Plans for lunch.


Ok, well...by this point I wasn't a fighter anymore, I didn't get mad or argue. I seethed.


For. Two. Weeks.


Yes. For two weeks I waited for him to come and tell me the truth. To tell me he had a lunch date with her. He had talked about her before, he had attempted plans before, but never in secret. 


I waited and waited and I finally blew. I don't exactly recall how I told him, but it was a BIG fight. 


His response was that it was no big deal, they just texted about nothing and never really made plans and they never went to lunch.


Ok, so why not tell me. I was livid...I don't remember it all but I was so mad bcs he was so dishonest about it that I ran downstairs and told him to leave me alone, I got my keys and was leaving. I was in the bathroom, he came in...I was standing there...fists at my sides. Shaking. I told him to leave me alone. I said "I am madder than I have ever been in my entire life. You need to leave me alone. Now." He said, Go ahead, give it your best shot...I deserve it....


I got more angry. I stormed past him and went upstairs. He still hasn't seemed to fathom that when Michelle is pissed off LEAVE HER THE FUCK ALONE! Seriously, I am one of those crazy Italian women that needs to stew like a good pot of sauce. Once, I have simmered long enough, I will be reasonable enough to accept that I am wrong or calmly tell you how right I am.




Slowly it came out that he had been talking to her about US. About how when couldn't manage his anger and he didn't know what to do and he didn't know what to do about how I felt and all this. He had been sharing our personal issues with his EX...I was LIVID...I almost blacked out from the anger. Yes I am Italian. But he may as well have fucked her in front of me for how bad it hurt. No lie. I told him to shut up. I did. Now please don't judge me folks. I am not a violent person. What happened next was as much a shock to me as to him...


As I said, I half blacked out...then I straight up punched him. I was aiming (if you aim when you are infuriatingly mad) for his chest but got his bottom lip. Blood was everywhere. I mean everywhere. (He was no small man 6ft 240)




I started to cry and repeat I am sorry over and over...he pinned me to the bed and made me look him in the face while blood splattered all over. 


God was my life really this fucked up?????


I told him I would leave. He told me it was his fault and that he was sorry. I think this is the day I gave up my power. 


After that point, I was soooo afraid of being angry or standing tall so to speak that, I became meek and mild. Timid. Almost NO fight. I sort of argued, but more, I cried. I had no fight in me. It all came out in that one punch. The punch I never intended to deliver. 


It was so wrong, Oh, please forgive me. I really am not that kind of girl. I'm not. 


I was literally blinded by rage. I hated myself in that moment. I hated who I had become. I hated who my life had turned me into. 


Now, I am rarely angry. Surely not that angry. 


Right now I am cursing the fool because he still hasn't paid the water bill left behind from before. 


Among who knows what else. I don't know if I will catch up. Ever. My Angel from today was amazing. Now if God could send me a few more.


Obviously, my anger has dissipated as I have typed this. It took 3 or so hours thanks to the kids and texting. My mind is overwhelmed. 


My arms are empty. The anger left a sadness that creeps up on me and I don't know what or who I am sad for...
Do I miss him? Something else. Just a man? Myself? 


I miss feeling loved and protected. I miss arms at night. His? I don't think so honestly. I was so far gone and it was so bad. 


My issue with him is letting go of the good man inside because of the mean one running the show. The two are one and they don't separate. I couldn't live with both.


I have a secret or two that maybe someday I will tell...not so insidious but it only adds to the soap opera of my sordid life.


So, good night my friends and sweet dreams.


~M