Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Behind Closed Doors

Ok, folks. I am huge on honesty. I'm a stickler for my kids telling the truth. I can be quoted saying "the truth is always better than a lie" and "you will get in a lot less trouble if you fess up now than if you lie and I find out later" BUT I lie, TO MYSELF. I have been living a big fat LIE.

I don't want to bore you with all the details. Honestly, it happened so slowly, that I didn't see it happen. The man who I called Mr. Brady was emotionally abusive. Now, this is not my first bad relationship. Or my first abusive one. But I will try to tell my story because maybe it will help someone else. There were aspects to this relationship that were far more insidious than the past ones. I KNEW something was wrong before.

Mr. Brady started out as the most kind loving caring man you could ever imagine. He was just out of a bad relationship. Clearly, as we know his ex was not sane either. She barely took or takes care of her 4 beautiful children. She cheated lied and was general abusive to HIM. He was honest about how equally bad their relationship was on both sides. I had no idea that this was a red flag. He was angry when we got together, but it was all directed at the things she was doing to make him miserable. She was lying to me about things...I never believed because he was ALWAYS with me and I mean ALWAYS...(another red flag) She would call him screaming constantly about nothing. She called me horrible names for no reason. I wanted him to be mad. So, I didn't think anything of it.

Slowly, though he started to make it so that I never went anywhere alone, unless he was working. I couldn't make plans because I always had kids and who will babysit for us? Pfft. I am a modest person to start but if I bent over and my bra peeked through he would suggest I change before going out...even if I wouldn't be bending over where I was going. He said it was all in the name of protecting me from creepers because I was too trusting and that was why bad things happened to me. He didn't trust men to talk to me.

But, at the same time, he was the sweetest, most loving caring person imaginable. I couldn't possible fathom there being malicious intent behind this. I couldn't. I swear. I am no dummy. My grandmother worked as a Domestic Violence Counselor and ran a Safe House for YEARS. I was trained as a Volunteer in my 20's. I have a Master's Degree. I DID NOT SEE THIS HAPPENING.

When I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis he would carry me to bed. He would shower me and cook and clean. He did everything when I couldn't.

My previous relationship was the polar opposite. One of neglect. He barely acknowledged my existence. He was emotionally detached. He may have said he loved me twice a year, so this attention seemed amazing...at first. Our minds play tricks on us when we NEED or think we NEED something.

So Mr. Brady's jealousy seemed cute, his possessiveness and neediness seemed sweet. Then I got healthier. Then I realized Holy shitballs Batman...I never took My board exams. I spent $200K on a career and I wasn't supported in pursuing it. I was staying home with 4 young kids with high needs. Now-please don't misunderstand here. I love the kids, but there were other ways for us to function as a family. My career would have been a highly profitable one. I don't regret taking care of the kids. I know that without me little D would probably barely function because nobody thought he could talk. I know I helped them immeasurably. Maybe my suffering was for that purpose alone. But I digress.

Slowly, the niceness and sweetness wore off and his stress level increased and the anger that used to be gone...came back. Directed at all of us. At first, it was pretty easy to deflect because I still had balls. I straight up told him to knock it off. He was more just grumpy with me...so I could handle it. His big thing was...and I freaking kid you not here folks. When he was grumpy he expected me to be AFFECTIONATE because that would make it all go away!!!!!!!!! Now...are you out of your everlovingfuckingmind????? He said it was my issue because I couldn't handle anger.(ummm is anyone supposed to like it???)

He said I ignored him. Helloooo, does anyone sane walk up to a time bomb and play with it. So, as I protected myself by keeping away and he got worse. Then we would fight and I would hammer into him that if he wasn't nice that I would stay away. Far away. It would get better. You know, the honeymoon phase. At one point, I even told him that I was starting to feel emotionally abused. He got very angry. SHOCKING.

This went on and on and eventually it got to the point that the kids were like, why is he talking to Mom that way? What is going on. It wasn't the words, as I always said to him but the tone. He said it was allergies. ARE you frigging kidding me???? Then when I didn't let up he said I was just wrong and I was always blaming him. It was always his fault. He would get defensive and lash out about all of my faults. Stupid things. ALWAYS about how I wasn't there for him. I was too tired all the time and I wasn't affectionate enough. I am not perfect. I own up to being a bitch at times and all sorts of things, but mean is NEVER ok.

NEVER ever taking responsibility. This is key with a controller/abuser. They always make excuses or deflect blame. Always.

I felt like a little kid. I lost my power. I was broken. I was hiding all of this from everyone. Except the kids.
His own daughter commented on how mean he was to me. When I told My 13 year old that he was leaving. His first comment was "well, he has acted like he hates you for almost a year." My 16 year old, tells me all that time that he doesn't understand what his issue is or why he has to be mean to me and hugs me when it happens.

The day that I posted that I was having issues at home on My Group Therapy's page I had decided that I needed to do something. I didn't know what or how. I was going to try counseling. I was going to try to make a change for the better. He saw that post and it made him leave. I guess I got my plan.

I really don't have any idea how I am going to do this. But out there. Someone bigger than me and you does. I have faith.

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