Behind Closed Doors

Ok, folks. I am huge on honesty. I'm a stickler for my kids telling the truth. I can be quoted saying "the truth is always better than a lie" and "you will get in a lot less trouble if you fess up now than if you lie and I find out later" BUT I lie, TO MYSELF. I have been living a big fat LIE.

I don't want to bore you with all the details. Honestly, it happened so slowly, that I didn't see it happen. The man who I called Mr. Brady was emotionally abusive. Now, this is not my first bad relationship. Or my first abusive one. But I will try to tell my story because maybe it will help someone else. There were aspects to this relationship that were far more insidious than the past ones. I KNEW something was wrong before.

Mr. Brady started out as the most kind loving caring man you could ever imagine. He was just out of a bad relationship. Clearly, as we know his ex was not sane either. She barely took or takes care of her 4 beautiful children. She cheated lied and was general abusive to HIM. He was honest about how equally bad their relationship was on both sides. I had no idea that this was a red flag. He was angry when we got together, but it was all directed at the things she was doing to make him miserable. She was lying to me about things...I never believed because he was ALWAYS with me and I mean ALWAYS...(another red flag) She would call him screaming constantly about nothing. She called me horrible names for no reason. I wanted him to be mad. So, I didn't think anything of it.

Slowly, though he started to make it so that I never went anywhere alone, unless he was working. I couldn't make plans because I always had kids and who will babysit for us? Pfft. I am a modest person to start but if I bent over and my bra peeked through he would suggest I change before going out...even if I wouldn't be bending over where I was going. He said it was all in the name of protecting me from creepers because I was too trusting and that was why bad things happened to me. He didn't trust men to talk to me.

But, at the same time, he was the sweetest, most loving caring person imaginable. I couldn't possible fathom there being malicious intent behind this. I couldn't. I swear. I am no dummy. My grandmother worked as a Domestic Violence Counselor and ran a Safe House for YEARS. I was trained as a Volunteer in my 20's. I have a Master's Degree. I DID NOT SEE THIS HAPPENING.

When I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis he would carry me to bed. He would shower me and cook and clean. He did everything when I couldn't.

My previous relationship was the polar opposite. One of neglect. He barely acknowledged my existence. He was emotionally detached. He may have said he loved me twice a year, so this attention seemed amazing...at first. Our minds play tricks on us when we NEED or think we NEED something.

So Mr. Brady's jealousy seemed cute, his possessiveness and neediness seemed sweet. Then I got healthier. Then I realized Holy shitballs Batman...I never took My board exams. I spent $200K on a career and I wasn't supported in pursuing it. I was staying home with 4 young kids with high needs. Now-please don't misunderstand here. I love the kids, but there were other ways for us to function as a family. My career would have been a highly profitable one. I don't regret taking care of the kids. I know that without me little D would probably barely function because nobody thought he could talk. I know I helped them immeasurably. Maybe my suffering was for that purpose alone. But I digress.

Slowly, the niceness and sweetness wore off and his stress level increased and the anger that used to be gone...came back. Directed at all of us. At first, it was pretty easy to deflect because I still had balls. I straight up told him to knock it off. He was more just grumpy with me...so I could handle it. His big thing was...and I freaking kid you not here folks. When he was grumpy he expected me to be AFFECTIONATE because that would make it all go away!!!!!!!!! Now...are you out of your everlovingfuckingmind????? He said it was my issue because I couldn't handle anger.(ummm is anyone supposed to like it???)

He said I ignored him. Helloooo, does anyone sane walk up to a time bomb and play with it. So, as I protected myself by keeping away and he got worse. Then we would fight and I would hammer into him that if he wasn't nice that I would stay away. Far away. It would get better. You know, the honeymoon phase. At one point, I even told him that I was starting to feel emotionally abused. He got very angry. SHOCKING.

This went on and on and eventually it got to the point that the kids were like, why is he talking to Mom that way? What is going on. It wasn't the words, as I always said to him but the tone. He said it was allergies. ARE you frigging kidding me???? Then when I didn't let up he said I was just wrong and I was always blaming him. It was always his fault. He would get defensive and lash out about all of my faults. Stupid things. ALWAYS about how I wasn't there for him. I was too tired all the time and I wasn't affectionate enough. I am not perfect. I own up to being a bitch at times and all sorts of things, but mean is NEVER ok.


NEVER ever taking responsibility. This is key with a controller/abuser. They always make excuses or deflect blame. Always.

I felt like a little kid. I lost my power. I was broken. I was hiding all of this from everyone. Except the kids.
His own daughter commented on how mean he was to me. When I told My 13 year old that he was leaving. His first comment was "well, he has acted like he hates you for almost a year." My 16 year old, tells me all that time that he doesn't understand what his issue is or why he has to be mean to me and hugs me when it happens.

The day that I posted that I was having issues at home on My Group Therapy's page I had decided that I needed to do something. I didn't know what or how. I was going to try counseling. I was going to try to make a change for the better. He saw that post and it made him leave. I guess I got my plan.

I really don't have any idea how I am going to do this. But out there. Someone bigger than me and you does. I have faith.

Everything you always wanted to know but were afraid to ask...

So, this award is going around and I am trying to decide if it's torture or a blessing. just kidding. I am having one of those days and I am going to use this to make it better. If it kills me. My dear, sweet, doll faced friend/sister person Adventures of a Cornfed Farm Princess thinks I need to blog more. How can I argue with her? She carries a spork. 

Oh, I was able to get that in there...so the object of this award, is to share pieces of little ol' me with you all. 

The rules are as follows...stolen from You Know It Happens at Your House Too

As with all Blogging peer awards, there are rules attached.  I actually like this part because it gives us all a chance to get to know each other just a little better.  So here goes, the rules and regulations:

1.  Thank and link back to the awarding blog.  (done ^ up there)

2.  Answer seven questions. (Ohhhhkay...)

3.  Provide 10 random factoids about yourself.  (Random!  I've got that covered.)

4.  Hand the award on to 7 deserving others.   (Can do!)

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS:

QUESTION #1:  WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SONG?

One??? Just one? Not even remotely possible. I LOVE music. At any moment in life, I can relate a song to it. Any. One song that defines me...Tori Amos Silent All These years. I love Tori. I have a few albums that I couldn't live without if I were stranded on an island. Tori's Little Earthquakes would be on that list. I Love most music, 

QUESTION #2:  WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DESSERT?

I LOVE chocolate, BUT I am a sucker for all things cinnamon. At a restaurant, my 1st pick would be Cannoli. Hands down.

QUESTION #3:  WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE UPSET?

I bottle and bury anger/pain/hurt/ frustration very, very well. As in for months, maybe years. It will come out sideways, in frustration with little things. Then, one day, I will just spill over like Mt. St. Helen's. Not good and I know it. I work very hard at expressing myself but life has not taught me that that is safe so I take baby steps.

QUESTION #4:  WHICH IS YOUR FAVORITE PET?

Susie, the sweetie we got when 2 of our other dogs were hit by cars. She lived a long time and I adored her. She used to sleep by my feet. 

QUESTION #5:  WHICH DO YOU PREFER, WHITE OR WHOLE WHEAT?

Does Italian bread count???? I love 12 Grain bread from Aldi's too. Alas, I am going gluten free and saying good bye to bread.

QUESTION #6:  WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?

Losing one of my babies, Just like most mothers, I imagine. 

QUESTION #7:  WHAT IS YOUR ATTITUDE, MOSTLY?

Most people who meet me, think I am happy-go-lucky, easy going, and I have it all together. I think I am a big faker. But, I TRY. I really do and I enjoy people, I NEED to be social. I try to be thankful, for what I have all the time. I try to surrender to NOT being in control. I'm much more of a mess inside than out. My hope is that SOMEDAY I really do have it together like people think I do. 

TEN RANDOM FACTS:

1. I have been to China-yes, China. 

The toilets are in the floor. You squat to go. No lie. I can't make this up. It was a super cool experience. Those are my cute toes by the way...and the green package in the corner. Wipes. We used them for our feet, not just our unmentionables. 

I could do an entire blog about China...it was very cool. 

2. My favorite drink is Coca-cola. It's harder to give up than anything else. It was cheaper than water in China-I drank a lot of it. I am salivating as I type. 

3. I have a severe MSG reaction so I got very sick in China-they use it the way we do salt SO, I ended up spending almost every afternoon at Starbuck's. It saved me. First off, the coffee in China was terrible, second, the food was safe. Air conditioning, comfy couches, good coffee and salad. I was in heaven.

4. I could live without TV, but not books, and they have to be real books with pages. I love to read and read and read. I read many genres, but I am a sucker for romance. Honestly, I could probably live a few hundred years ago and be fine as long as I have books, but I would miss you guys.

5. I dream about writing a book someday. 

6. I love to draw and I am pretty good. I love all things artsy. Oh and I sew too!

7. I sing. I was a drama geek in school and if I could be one now I would be. Maybe not famous, but I love to sing. Almost every Sunday, I get up in front of a few hundred people and belt out Christian Rock songs with a friend. No one's ears bleed. Microphone and all     :-O

8. I am a silent grammar Nazi, but a TERRIBLE typist. When people speak incorrectly, I have taught myself not to be rude and correct them out loud. I can NOT type to save my life. I do it too quickly and I make errors non stop so I know I look like an idiot. Hence, learning to keep my mouth shut when others talk. 

9. I still to this day can NOT drive the same route I drove the day I got into my car accident. I almost had to when we had the tornadoes and I panicked. I would have let my 13 yr old drive. I actually looked at him and said "you're driving, I can't do this." Then I talked/mumbled to myself until I found a side road to take. I almost had a full on panic attack with a truck FULL of kids. My son talked me down. I managed to stay sane and we made it home. I was kind of proud. 

10. I have a Master's of Science in Acupuncture and Chinese Medicine. I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis while In China right before I graduated. I have never practiced. I am a healer at heart with a background in counseling and education. So, I ended up working as a substitute teacher. Every time I put my resume out there, I am told I am OVER qualified or a risk because I may leave to pursue my career. The thing is, I love being a sub. I love the teachers I work with and I work almost entirely off of request because of the kids. I have had teachers stand in the hall and jokingly fight over me and refer to me as theirs. THAT is an awesome feeling. It's the best job I have ever had. I adore them. 

So, Now I have to award 7 blogs who haven't been awarded yet.

Somewhat Sane Mom I love her. She makes me smile. She drinks with both hands. She was one of my first FB friends. Cheers. 

Organized People Are Just too Lazy to Look for Stuff- She is on an amazing journey and I love and respect her for sharing it and for fighting. Tina...I applaud you! 

Trailer Park Not Trash-This. I love her. I miss her. I don't know when she will have time to do this but I pray that she does. I need to see her words. I love you TPNT 

Blissfully Discontented-I respect the heck out of this mama too. I love that she shares her journey with us. I love her. You are amazing!!!!!!

Mommyto3Monsters- She has a blended family and its growing by the minutes. Soon to be Mommy to 4 monsters. This lady feels my pain and I hers. She keeps it real. I love you. Human and all. 

My Group Therapy-I love her. I just do. Real, to the heart stuff. I get it and I love that she shares it. I love you even if you are in Mississppi. Clicking my heels...clicking my heels. I would so hang with you girl.

Just Another Tired Mommy She makes some of the best, I mean BEST ecards ever. She is awesomesauce. I love her. 

I love lots of others but many have been tagged already. If I tagged you...take the bait. Pretty please???? I might keep blogging after all. I have more funnies in my head. I just might share. 

This is a 1000 year old street in Southern China. This is my favorite picture from my trip. Maybe you have to have seen it to appreciate it. This little boy was less than 2 and worked all afternoon. 

I love you guys!

~M