Tuesday, April 24, 2012
What Would YOU do????
OK, as some of you have seen from past posts on my page, I have suffered from anxiety. I was in a very traumatic car accident. My mini van was nailed crossing a highway and spun around to face the opposite direction. If I had had anyone else in my van at the time, they would likely have been either seriously injured or more likely dead. A very odd chain of events lead to my van being empty. (Thank you GOD) That did not change this Mommy brain from freaking the hell out. I could not sleep. My brain still relives this event daily as I drive that road...we won't get into my issues with driving. This was when the anxiety started for me. It was a slow process and I didn't really know it was happening until it was a bit out of control.
Fast forward to right before Christmas. We lived in an apartment complex that used to be Army housing. Not the best place, not the worst. Not cheap by any standards and not big enough. I knew our lease was up in February. My "plan" was to rent month to month until the end of the school year, I had asked the Land Manager about extending our current lease to cover the school year, she never got back to me. So, I received our"lease renewal" offer on December 21st. Ha effing ha. I had been there for near three years and they wanted to raise our rent so much that I'd have to sell a child to stay there.
SO-here is me thinking...oh-my-gosh-what-am-I-going-to-do-its-effing-CHRISTMAS...about that fast. That's how it started and it got way worse from there. I kept it together long enough to find a house...in a totally different district. In a different community, the one I grew up in. Yes, I have friends here, but I am not a fan of change. All of the things that I had to do totally overwhelmed me. At that time, I was subbing 4 to 5 days a week. I also worked at Mr. Brady's old shop on Saturdays. Mr. Brady worked 70 hours a week then as well. I had to move by Feb 1st. Christmas was December 25th, the kids went back to school January 3rd...so I had less than a month to pack a house of 10 that we had planned on staying in for 4 more months. Oh good lord...it was tooooo much. All the preparation, all the kids, all the calls and everything just came crashing in on me. I was having severe anxiety attacks. I was bursting into tears in public. I was falling apart at the seams. I even broke down at church. A place I thought was safe. In a sea of people, including my pastor, no one sought me out to comfort me. That's not true. A few of my son's teen friends did and I appreciated it, but MY friends didn't. The people I was there for and would have gone to if I saw them crying did not come to me and offer a shoulder or a hanky or a hand of friendship. Nothing. At one point I had asked the Church secretary to tell our pastor what was going on and put me on the prayer list and STILL no offers of help or comfort.
Fast forward from February to last Sunday. One of these people cornered me about an issue at Church involving a mission trip I had asked to chaperon before I fell apart and why I wasn't chosen. This trip took place over Easter break. My son went. They never told me that I wasn't chosen to go. They let me find out by hearing that other adults were going. I agree that maybe it wasn't my time to go. Fine. I am an adult and I know that I had a LOT going on and that I have 8 children. Ok. Great. She gave me this run down of reasons, a bunch of the reasons were total bunk or misunderstandings that nobody had bothered to talk to me about. One of the things she said to me was that I was falling apart when I moved, how was I going to handle a mission trip and that if things were so bad why didn't I ask for help? I tried explaining that when things are that bad, when you are falling apart, you need someone to come to you. She then said that I was unapproachable.
Now, I know that I am not unapproachable. That's bunk. I needed love and kindness even if that is all anyone had to offer. No one could fix what I had going on inside me. Sure people might have been able to take things off of my plate for me. Carry some of my burdens perhaps. No offers of any kind were made. To myself or Mr. Brady. Our move was no secret. All 10 of us go to that church. If I saw someone hurting, I would offer caring, if I was turned away, at least that person would know that someone cared. Sometimes that is enough. I think its a load of crap.
I hope and pray that I never look at someone hurting and say to myself that they look and act like they don't want anyone to help them.
What would YOU do???