Thursday, April 19, 2012

About me...

Well, Little 'ol me is just that, kind of little. I am, shall we say, petite with curves and I am Sicilian. So, what that boils down to is that I could be on Jersey shore if I had boobs, wore make-up and high hair and had no morals and no children. Just to give you an idea of what I LOOK like.

Who I am, well. I often wonder about this one. I am a lot of things. Naturally, a mother and a daughter and a sister and a Mommy and a wife. A friend. A bitch. A woman. A grump. A sweetheart. I could go on and on, but you get you. You are all all of these things too. We all are. Just because we ARE.

I grew up in a very dysfunctional alcoholic family. I was the good one. The quiet one. I seemed happy all the time. I learned very young to keep it all inside. Its safe if its tucked away. Plus, then I don't have to deal with it. I still have this issue. I still have a "me" that walks around talking to people and a "me" in my brain that sometimes thinks the polar opposite of what she says and does. 

My parents fought a lot. It was my normal. My dad was not a good husband. He was good to my sister, my half brother and I but not to my mother. So, thanks to that, I really really really suck at relationships. Really suck. 

My sister is the best thing to come out of my childhood. She is my rock, my best friend ever and I would be lost without her. She is the one person I can be all me with and she just laughs. She gets it. I miss her so much bcs she lives about 12 hours away. 

I am the only one of my family members that has never really been addicted to anything. (I do have addictive thoughts though and that's scary) But that's not to say I don't get it or haven't tried. I drank more before my 21st birthday than I have in the 20 yrs since and getting pregnant for my son may have saved me from becoming an alcoholic. I partied. Hard. 

Being a teenager SUCKED. My drug of choice was sex. Yes, I said sex. But I didn't choose it, it chose me. I was raped at 17 and this was the 80's folks so things were different. I wasn't a victim, I was a slut. So, boys decided I was easy so that meant I had RAPE ME tattooed on my forehead. I'm being blunt and raw, I am sorry but this really happened to me and it's how I deal. Boys hear rumors, so they think that you are "giving" it up and they "take" it. I quit fighting after the 3rd time. All separate occasions, all different boys. The result was me deciding to say "eff you" to the world and just give it away. It hurt less. And more all at the same time. I became what the rumors said I was. My body was no longer mine. I'm not sure if it is now. 

SO when I met my 1st ex husband, yes 1st...there is a 2nd ex (I did warn you that I suck at relationships)...and he seemed stable. Had a job...made good money. Little did I know how deep HIS issues were. Anyway, I was 20. I stopped partying. I got all domestic. I went off the pill. I got pregnant and almost to the day 9 months after my birthday I had my son. He changed my life. He made me a better person. God, how I wish he understood this. I love him beyond measure and I may have messed him up as badly as my parents did me, but when I looked at him I knew what love was. I knew beauty and God, and I haven't been the same since. 

I am still screwed up. Oh I have more stories to tell. My life has been a freaking soap opera. 

My son was the greatest gift ever, I just wish I had a way to get him to know that before its too late. He has the addictive gene and that my friends is a mother's nightmare.

I've got more but it will have to wait. 

5 comments:

  1. yup. I knew it. I knew I liked you. THanks for sharing more. We are going to be great friends. xo -- I want a Dumpster Baby

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  2. Thank you! <3 XOXOXOXO

    It was very scary to post.

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  3. I just celebrated 10 years sober this past October... I so get the addiction thing. The good-news is I get to do it differently, today. So do you!

    You are a very brave woman to open up and let it out... I'm the same way, about keeping everything locked inside... it was like having to take a crow bar to open up and let it out.

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  4. You are awesome! So brave to open up this way and share yourself with us!! <3

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