Monday, August 6, 2012
What I need
Today was both a good and bad day.
Both toilets in my house broke. One was gushing water..(my shitters like to break don't they?) One wouldn't flush and all and the unit we just replaced about 2 weeks ago was shot.
I did my best trouble shooting...in today's outfit...a mini dress and shorts...I was under my toilet.
I had to call in the reinforcements. We will call him My Knight is rather tarnished and slightly dented armor. My ex who is, well, not actually my ex. Confused yet? I am still married. We shall call him the Wise one. Thanks to a fortune cookie that he carries in his wallet that states "A wise man seldom speaks" Which describes him to a T. He seldom speaks.
He is another Blog alone.
I have kind of lost the train of thought on this one...so I will refer back to the point I started with...
My mentor told me to think about what my needs are...in life, in a relationship, in everything.
So, what do I need?
I have discovered some things about myself during self reflection.
Words are meaningless to me without actions.
For the last four years I was told I was beautiful but treated like crap. Things in our home were let go. When I needed something done, I often had to ask "The Wise One"
Compliments from women mean more to me than from men because in my eyes men only want one thing when they say a woman is beautiful. I KNOW, not all men are like that, BUT my experiences have warped me.
I want to be cherished and treated like a lady.
I need to not just be told I am loved but FEEL loved. I am a girly girl at heart. I like simple things, but I love when things around me are taken care of.
Don't let my house fall apart. Make sure the bills are paid.
Laugh with me and at me. I'm a goof and I like it that way.
I need time to do things with friends and I lost out on that for years. I am just starting to again. Its so important.
I want to not settle.
I want to be able to go to bed at night with a happy heart.
I don't expect it to be easy.
I don't mind work. I want open communication. Responsibility.
I have to get so over this lonely feeling. Its eating away at me.
I can't even say much more. I am far too overwhelmed.
Back to the basics.
Let go, Let God.
I can't do this alone.
If I try to do it without faith I feel like I am drowning.
And there is a weight tied at my waist to keep me under.
The weird part is that I know I am ok. Deep down, its just being buried in all this gunk and trying to find my way out. I don't want to be weighed down with sadness.
I wake up every day. I have 4 beautiful children.
I am smart. I am really funny.
I have amazing Facebook friends.
I have a great counselor.
I am doing great work on myself.
I love myself. I really do.
I will be ok.
I have to be.